The Ups and Downs of being 23 while still being in school.
Where to begin? My thoughts are scattered, there are many of them, and they are all over the board. To start, I am 23 years old, I have no job, I'm single (which is not negative!), I have a degree that isn't really good for anything, and I am back in school (getting a degree that I can actually get a job with!). I am far from my family and friends. I want a puppy.......and a cat.......and my big girl job - NOW.
This has been a season of trust - walking forward without being able to see the path I'm traveling. I am being stretched by my courses this semester; I am being stretched mentally and emotionally by life. I went from having a job and a steady income, to no job and a shrinking bank account. I am looking for an affordable place to live for my 6 month internship in south Florida. Oh, by the way, that begins in January... Plans I had made for various, meaningful and important things have fallen through. My friend circle has shrunk, but on the plus side, so has my pant size! Most important, I am finding out who I am in this odd stage of life.
I think I'm feeling so reminiscent right now because I have "Google-hung" with my close friends from undergrad (twice in one week = WONDERFUL and much needed). Between the 4 of us it just so happens that we are scattered across four time zones and two continents. They are my reminders of where relationships can go, given time and commitment, energy and persistence, and love. Sisterhood - "the solidarity of women based on shared conditions, experiences, or concerns" (Merriam-Webster) - that's what we have. That's what I am missing most right now.
There is the homesickness one has for family, what is familiar, those who really know you, and then there is the homesickness for those who became family and got to really know you. Those who raised you, and those who came into adulthood with you. Two different stages of life, two different worlds, brought together through you.
The last time I chatted with one of my "sisters" via the phone, I was commended for being able to focus on what needs my attention most. This was said in reference to my focus on school (priority) over the social aspects of college (past) carrying over to grad school (present). When I needed to, I "made" myself keep my nose in my books, while most went a-socializing. Here at graduate school, I have had the focus of, "I am not paying all of this money to make friends, I am here to get a degree and get out." But is that really a "good" mindset? I mean, I've made a few friends, but really, my social network and social life are nonexistent. I've been "betrayed" by two people I'd considered friends, the one close friend I have is across the state interning, my roommate and I are friends but not in any profound or deep way, and everyone else is in that more-than-an-acquaintance-but-not-quite-friend zone. I mean, I've always been very selective in who I call friends, and the process of making friends tends to be a bit of a challenge for me... I guess what I'm trying to get at is, the compliment paid to me by my sista from anotha' mr,, is born from what I consider to be my weakness. However, I have found myself desiring human contact on that deeper level that I have with my close friends. And can it really be said that me prioritizing (to the extreme in my opinion) academics over relationships, is a good thing? Could it be that I am trying to protect myself in order to avoid pain - whether it be pain born from separation or betrayal?
TRANSFER time (thank you Dr. Madsen for ruining my mind, in a good way).
Humans are funny creatures...
Through my volunteer program at the local hospital and my practicum that is also there, I get to see a lot of people from very different stages of life and situations. I feel that if I have learned anything from my time working there, it is that perspective is so important. I am easily frustrated with how slow I feel I am traveling. I get disappointed that I have yet to catch a break in the job department. Complain, complain, complain. I am so caught up in getting to my future, that I am losing sight of the present. I am too busy missing the physical closeness to those I consider dear, that I have not appreciated the relationships I have made in the present. By trying to protect myself and by trying to "keep my eye on the prize", have I instead caused, within myself, an emotional rift?
*I am in quite the existential mood right now, thank you Counseling Theories lecture from FRIDAY.*
SO in order to give myself a visual reminder of all that I have to be thankful for, instead of (pardon my language...) bitching and moaning about all the stressors and/or things I don't have, I am going to put 10 things I am thankful for. Both the pleasant and the difficult, the ever-present and the temporary*
[Note: I am thankful for my faith and salvation.]
Ky's Thankful for_____ Top 10:
1) I am I am infinitely grateful for the loving and supporting family I have. (Mom & Dad, Grandparents (both sides), and my brother)
2) I am thankful that I have people in my life that care about me, even when I get annoyed by them.(See #1)
3) I am thankful that I have the opportunity for higher education (and have been able to take it...even if it costs me a fortune).
4) For those who are not blood relatives, but I consider family anyway - you have made my heart full and my life richer - thank you.
5) I have plenty of clothing to wear - who cares that it's not the latest fashion, or that it's been in my possession for a long time.
6) That I am not given more than I can handle, even though it may feel otherwise at times.
7) I am thankful for the gift of music, and the abilities that I have to do music.
8) That I am a pretty healthy individual is rather nice.
9) I have a roof over my head, four walls around me, and food on the table.
10) I have my internship site!!!!
I just want to close with this: after writing my top 10, I feel ... more optimistic. Already the list is reminding me that even if I can't see the path I'm traveling, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, that I can feel those who push me along when I start to get weary, and there is the One who carries me when I have nothing left to give.
This has been a season of trust - walking forward without being able to see the path I'm traveling. I am being stretched by my courses this semester; I am being stretched mentally and emotionally by life. I went from having a job and a steady income, to no job and a shrinking bank account. I am looking for an affordable place to live for my 6 month internship in south Florida. Oh, by the way, that begins in January... Plans I had made for various, meaningful and important things have fallen through. My friend circle has shrunk, but on the plus side, so has my pant size! Most important, I am finding out who I am in this odd stage of life.
I think I'm feeling so reminiscent right now because I have "Google-hung" with my close friends from undergrad (twice in one week = WONDERFUL and much needed). Between the 4 of us it just so happens that we are scattered across four time zones and two continents. They are my reminders of where relationships can go, given time and commitment, energy and persistence, and love. Sisterhood - "the solidarity of women based on shared conditions, experiences, or concerns" (Merriam-Webster) - that's what we have. That's what I am missing most right now.
There is the homesickness one has for family, what is familiar, those who really know you, and then there is the homesickness for those who became family and got to really know you. Those who raised you, and those who came into adulthood with you. Two different stages of life, two different worlds, brought together through you.
The last time I chatted with one of my "sisters" via the phone, I was commended for being able to focus on what needs my attention most. This was said in reference to my focus on school (priority) over the social aspects of college (past) carrying over to grad school (present). When I needed to, I "made" myself keep my nose in my books, while most went a-socializing. Here at graduate school, I have had the focus of, "I am not paying all of this money to make friends, I am here to get a degree and get out." But is that really a "good" mindset? I mean, I've made a few friends, but really, my social network and social life are nonexistent. I've been "betrayed" by two people I'd considered friends, the one close friend I have is across the state interning, my roommate and I are friends but not in any profound or deep way, and everyone else is in that more-than-an-acquaintance-but-not-quite-friend zone. I mean, I've always been very selective in who I call friends, and the process of making friends tends to be a bit of a challenge for me... I guess what I'm trying to get at is, the compliment paid to me by my sista from anotha' mr,, is born from what I consider to be my weakness. However, I have found myself desiring human contact on that deeper level that I have with my close friends. And can it really be said that me prioritizing (to the extreme in my opinion) academics over relationships, is a good thing? Could it be that I am trying to protect myself in order to avoid pain - whether it be pain born from separation or betrayal?
TRANSFER time (thank you Dr. Madsen for ruining my mind, in a good way).
Humans are funny creatures...
Through my volunteer program at the local hospital and my practicum that is also there, I get to see a lot of people from very different stages of life and situations. I feel that if I have learned anything from my time working there, it is that perspective is so important. I am easily frustrated with how slow I feel I am traveling. I get disappointed that I have yet to catch a break in the job department. Complain, complain, complain. I am so caught up in getting to my future, that I am losing sight of the present. I am too busy missing the physical closeness to those I consider dear, that I have not appreciated the relationships I have made in the present. By trying to protect myself and by trying to "keep my eye on the prize", have I instead caused, within myself, an emotional rift?
*I am in quite the existential mood right now, thank you Counseling Theories lecture from FRIDAY.*
SO in order to give myself a visual reminder of all that I have to be thankful for, instead of (pardon my language...) bitching and moaning about all the stressors and/or things I don't have, I am going to put 10 things I am thankful for. Both the pleasant and the difficult, the ever-present and the temporary*
[Note: I am thankful for my faith and salvation.]
Ky's Thankful for_____ Top 10:
1) I am I am infinitely grateful for the loving and supporting family I have. (Mom & Dad, Grandparents (both sides), and my brother)
2) I am thankful that I have people in my life that care about me, even when I get annoyed by them.(See #1)
3) I am thankful that I have the opportunity for higher education (and have been able to take it...even if it costs me a fortune).
4) For those who are not blood relatives, but I consider family anyway - you have made my heart full and my life richer - thank you.
5) I have plenty of clothing to wear - who cares that it's not the latest fashion, or that it's been in my possession for a long time.
6) That I am not given more than I can handle, even though it may feel otherwise at times.
7) I am thankful for the gift of music, and the abilities that I have to do music.
8) That I am a pretty healthy individual is rather nice.
9) I have a roof over my head, four walls around me, and food on the table.
10) I have my internship site!!!!
I just want to close with this: after writing my top 10, I feel ... more optimistic. Already the list is reminding me that even if I can't see the path I'm traveling, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, that I can feel those who push me along when I start to get weary, and there is the One who carries me when I have nothing left to give.
Romans 8:31-39New International Version (NIV)
More Than Conquerors
31 What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33 Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34 Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36 As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”[a]
37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Encouraging words -- I needed to read this today. Thanks Ky! :)
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